Raznor's Rants

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Thursday, June 16, 2005


President Bush Introduces Powerful New Weapon That Will “Break Insurgency”

Posted by Ross

The war in Iraq will be over “swiftly.” Or so claims the White House.

Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today the President has “found the most powerful of weapons, and soon America shall be victorious in its mission of eradicating the Iraqi insurgency.”

When asked whether this powerful weapon was “nuclear in nature,” McClellan simply shook his head.

“It is far more powerful than any nuclear weapon,” he said with a hiss. “It has the power to rule the world. I am… its humble servant.”

The press conference ended earlier than expected when Tobias Hopson of the Washington Post asked why, instead of his usual coat and tie, Mr. McClellan was dressed in all black robes which obscured his face.

Instead of responding, the Press Secretary let out a shriek that would chill the bones of the recently-deceased, removed a poison-tipped dagger from beneath his robes and stabbed the reporter in the shoulder.

Doctors treating Hopson say the tip of the blade broke off and is slowly making its way to his heart. Without the healing touch of Elrond, he shall soon become a wraith.

In a related story, an unconfirmed report confirms that, should the Michael Bolton nomination be struck down by the Senate, President Bush is prepared to nominate McClellan in his stead.

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