Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Friday, June 10, 2005


Breaking News:
Air Force 1 Vandalized!

Posted by Ross

President Bush looked on in slack-jawed shock this afternoon when he stood on the runway, beholding his beloved Air Force 1 covered in cheap-o single-ply toilet paper.

"Look at this mess," he muttered to henchman Karl Rove. "No doubt clean-up will be at taxpayer expense."

Though many in the administration believe Vice President Dick Cheney, or one of his Halliburton lackeys, were responsible for the prank, efforts by the President to obtain copies of video surveillance that may shed light on the culprit were blocked by the Vice President's office, citing, as precedent, the Supreme Court's recent refusal to allow information from Cheney's energy task force to be released to the public.

After a day of binge drinking and duck hunting with Chief Justice-in-waiting Antonin Scalia, in which a member of Cheney's Secret Service detail mysteriously lost a toe, the Vice President returned to his undisclosed bunker somewhere in the bowels of planet earth, where he released a statement to the press addressing the situation:

"Fuck off. Suck my balls. Burn in hell.

"In closing," Cheney continued, "I would like to address the unrelated recent disappearance of all the toilet paper from Air Force 2 by requesting legislators re-stock the plane with Charmin. It's gentler on the 'roids."

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), whose office oversees funding for presidential and vice presidential toiletries, was unavailable for comment.

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