Raznor's Rants

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Saturday, June 11, 2005

Federal Agents Raid Cheney’s Bunker. Ring of Power Seized!

Posted by Ross

In the dead of night, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez led a deadly force of FBI agents and Ninja assassins into Vice President Dick Cheney’s home/impenetrable Bunker of Doom, where they were pinned down for hours in a fearsome firefight with Zombie Cyborg Sentinels.

The raid was begat at the behest of President Bush who believed Cheney responsible for masterminding the infamous TP-ing of Air Force One.

“This ain’t no yeller cake uranium kinda lead or nothin’ neither,” the President said as he watched from a command post not thirty yards from the pulse-pounding Hollywood-esque action scene, “I know a guy who said he saw Dick tossin’ the TP on my plane.”

After two platoons of Iraq-bound Marines were sent in and subsequently slaughtered and eaten by the Zombie Cyborgs, President Bush activated a powerful magnetic pulse that shut them down for good, allowing the Attorney General to push deeper and deeper into Cheney’s lair.

Downward they pushed, deeper and deeper, into the very core of the Earth, until finally they arrived at a bubbling pit of lava.

On a platform in the middle of this pit was none other than Dick Cheney, his eyes dancing with a satanic fury, laughing the screams of a thousand damned souls.

“He’s gone completely fucking mad!” Karl Rove screamed, leaping across the lava like a bullet and engaging the Vice President in hand-to-hand combat. It was an epic duel, but ultimately, Rove was no match for the Dark Lord of Morgoth, who wielded, as his weapon of choice, the One Ring to rule them all.

Necromancer Cheney cast an evil spell on Rove and all stood in horror as they watched his head explode, sending chunks of brain - still, no-doubt, calculating how to maintain GOP power in the House and Senate in ‘06 - splattering every which way.

Gonzalez and his men cowered, looking on in hopeless, mindless terror.

And just as things looked their bleakest, President Bush himself stood before Cheney, wielding the gleaming Anduril “Flame of the West.”

“Dick,” he screamed, “YOU’RE FIRED!”

And with that, the President hewed the great hand of Dick Cheney, severing the One Ring.

Cheney’s power was instantly broken, his physical form shattered into a million fragments, before being swept away by a cleansing ethereal wind.

“It’s the damndest thing,” Gonzalez said later, “everyone down at the JD, myself included, always thought Dick was an Evil Sith Lord.”

The Evil Sith Lord, as it would turn out, was Antonin Scalia, who remains at large, currently the third most wanted man by American authorities after Osama Bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarkawi.


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