Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Check-um Out the New Blog In Town

Posted by Ross

Aaron, frequent Raznor commentator, has started a new blog, the aptly titled WORST BLOG OF ALL TIME.

Is it really as bad as all that? Only one way to find out.

Posted by the Bekka
Britney Spears named her new celebaby after my brother's dog. It's true.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Breaking News: Rove Above the Law

Posted by Ross

Karl Rove, the Machiavailian political strategist who helped this country's most corrupt, unaccountable, vindictive and incompetent administration be "elected" to consecutive terms, who leaks the names of undercover CIA agents like it's going out of style, and whose shit, a study from leading intelligent design scientists shows, doesn't stink, even a little bit, has been handed control of relief efforts for the demolished south east in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

How could a man who should be languishing in a Gitmo cage, writing his misguided political rhetoric on the walls with his own blood and fecal matter like some fat, ugly, uneducated Marquis de Sade, be allowed to hand out no-bid contracts to the likes of Halliburton, Bechtel and Al Qaeda?

Rove took the time to answer the question at an impromptu conference with the White House Press corps. Taking a break from raping his underage illegal immigrant Mexican housekeeper, Rove told reporters:

"It's really quite simple. I, like my fellow Republican overlords, George, Rummy, Dick and John Roberts, am your better. And therefore, I can do what I want when I want without any fear of ever having to answer for my actions."

And to prove his point, Rove proceeded to fire up a flamethrower, barbecue all reporters gathered, slather their fricasseed corpses with A1 steak sauce and noisily devour them.

Immediately afterward, Rove issued Halliburton a no-bid $50 billion contract to rebuild the White House Press corps with a more corporate-friendly agenda.

He then let out a monumental belch that smelled like greed, hubris, arrogance and orange blossoms.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Humor from around the internets
Posted by Raznor

So, to let your weekend go nice and happy, here's a few humorous stuff.

First of all, via Lauren, here's a humorous photo story for ya. And speaking of Lauren and humorous photos - Check this out.

Also, don't forget to check out the newest Get Your War On comics. Here's my favorite:

Oh, and don't forget to watch out for those inappropriate peer-2-teen choice behaviors.

Update: Also, Mikhaela has a nice little roundup of Katrina toons.

Sharon wishes evacuation of bowels would go as smoothly as Gaza

Posted by Ross

Ariel Sharon emerged from the bathroom this morning after yet another unsuccessful attempt to evacuate his bowels.

The geriatric 77 year-old Israeli Prime Minister hasn't had a decent shit in over a week now.

"I've been pounding laxatives," the Prime Minister said. "The pressure against my sphincter is unbearable. And yet, I sit down on the crapper and nothing comes."

"How ironic," Sharon mused, after spending the better part of an hour on the toilet, in which he read the latest issue of US WEEKLY cover-to-cover, "that it took a shorter time to evacuate Jewish settlements in Gaza than it's taken my bowels to evacuate."

"And speaking of shit," Sharon added, "can you believe after only two albums, Hilary Duff is putting out a greatest hits CD?"

Friday (or Saturday) Dog Blogging
Posted by Raznor

Hermes does not watch the baseball.

There, there's you're Friday dog blog. Happy? Now I to bed go.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Well, Raznor, it's Friday - where's the dog-blog
Posted by Raznor

No seriously, I'll do it. Just experiencing some technical difficulties. I've got a really cute pic though, trust me.

You'd better believe I'm gettin' me some of that
Posted by Raznor

Good news for indi-comic fans - August Pollak is makin' another book!

Good times are here again.

New Orleans shall receive power only when it pleases the great leader
Posted by Raznor

So apparently Bush turned the power on in New Orleans for his speech last night, then turned it back off.

How very kind of him.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Why Macs rock - an iBook update
Posted by Raznor

First of all, did you know that Steve Jobs is a Reedie? Yeah, I share his alma mater. In your face non-Reedies.

Anyway, the main reason I got an iBook was for TeXshop but I'm really enjoying the random play function on iTunes. It fades out from songs, like it's planned. It's weird when a slow, sad Elliott Smith song fades into a quick, high energy Le Tigre song, but hey, it'll make a return to Friday Random Tens quite enjoyable. Not that it won't be anyway.

But really it's all about the OSX man. All I need is World of Warcraft for Mac and I'll be set.

That's one hell of a heh-indeedy
Posted by Raznor

Amanda Marcotte on John Roberts:

Hot damn, that was a non-answer Roberts gave on eminent domain, though, wasn't it? First my uterus is up for grabs and now I have to worry about someone turning Mouse Manor into a shopping center? I'm fixing to go out and buy me a gun so I'll have at least one thing in my possession the Republican-run government won't feel free to lay claim to.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Techno Advance
Posted by Raznor

Well, I got a new iBook today. It has wireless and everything. Will this newfound advance in technology mean that I will blog more frequently? We can only hope so.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Friday Dog Blogging
Posted by Raznor

That raw hide is scared as hell right now.

Yep, loves those bones.

Today's Hermes theme is raw hide bones. As you might guess from the bottom picture - the dirt conspicuous on his nose and the bone itself - that bone was stored in the backyard before he got it again.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Onion - Most honest news site?
Posted by Raznor

Yet again, the Onion has one of their funny-and-true stories.

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts have reported seeing African­Americans "looting snacks and beer from damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

Bush incompetent? Perish the thought!
Posted by Raznor

Bob Harris has a nice visual aid of which parishes Bush decided to list in his Pre-Katrina declaration of emergency and which he didn't. (Guess which category New Orleans falls in)

My guess is they figured Katrina would get to the coast, relax for a few hundred miles and then get to the destructive part.

This would be funny if not for the thousands of people to die thanks to presidential ineptitude.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Further Reading
Posted by Ross

As you may have gathered from past postings, I like to read editorials. And there's a really good one over at The Onion, written by...

A Goat.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Posted by the Bekka

I just received the following email from my sister (a Rabbi):

"Dear Rebekka

If you haven't seen this webpage , please make it a priority to do so immediately. I am a convert and I think I can safely say that you will be too. It is just that convincing. I am throwing in the rabbinate and taking up FSMism today. It is the only true answer.

Shabbat shalom

I have been to this site, and it is indeed good. Visit it as soon as humanly (or spaghettily) possible, or face the potential wrath of the great FSM!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Friday Dog-blog
Posted by Raznor

Okay, it's not Friday yet, but I'm heading to Telluride tomorrow for the film festival.

Hermes craves affection like no other.

Notice the dirt on his nose - someone's been diggin'.

Meanwhile, check out this post and this post by August Pollak about New Orleans - both long and worth the read. And don't forget donate to the Red Cross.

Posted by the bekka

Let me first say this: Hurricane Katrina was a complete disaster. I'm overwhelmed by the images and stories, as well as the outpouring of kindness by total strangers.

That said, how come nobody's talking about this. Nearly 1,000 Shiite muslims were crushed, trampled, or drowned near Baghdad during a holiday pilgrimmage ritual. They're still fishing bodies out of the Tigris, and hospital morgues are overflowing with unidentified dead. The alleged cause? A rumor of an imminent suicide bomb (allegedly spread by a Sunni looking to cause hysteria) overtook the throng of people, which erupted into immediate panic as people ran for their lives.

It's like dueling mass deaths everywhere you look these days - good thing Katrina came along to give us a legitimate reason to ignore suffering elsewhere.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

President Bush declares New Orleans federal disaster area, invasion of Syria

Posted by Ross

Addressing reporters today, President Bush, whose blissful vacation was thoughtlessly interrupted by one of the most horrific natural disasters in our nation's history, declared recovery of the thriving city of New Orleans will "take years. But in the meanwhile, rest assured this administration is doing everything in its power to make things right.

"Our strategy," the President continued, "is threefold. First we rescue the survivors. Then we rebuild the infrastructure. Then we bomb those Syrian bastards back to the stone age!"

When asked what this gruesome natural disaster had to do with America's admittedly unstable relationship with Iraq's neighbor to the west, the President simply replied, "Because they hate our freedom."

In a related story, funnyman/Christian Coaltition founder Pat Robertson mused whether the relief efforts might also include an assassination of Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez.

New Orleans
Posted by Raznor

I've been meaning to post on New Orleans since the hurricane, but could never think of anything to say. I've never been to New Orleans, so imagining the damage Katrina has caused is quite difficult. What's striking me now, though, is how this once again demonstrates the unwavering cowardice and childishness of our Commander in Chief.

Over at This Modern World Bob Harris finds this relevant article. The whole thing is worth a read, but this is what struck me the most (emphasis mine):

When flooding from a massive rainstorm in May 1995 killed six people, Congress authorized the Southeast Louisiana Urban Flood Control Project, or SELA.

Over the next 10 years, the Army Corps of Engineers, tasked with carrying out SELA, spent $430 million on shoring up levees and building pumping stations, with $50 million in local aid. But at least $250 million in crucial projects remained, even as hurricane activity in the Atlantic Basin increased dramatically and the levees surrounding New Orleans continued to subside.

Yet after 2003, the flow of federal dollars toward SELA dropped to a trickle. The [U.S. Army Corps of Engineers] never tried to hide the fact that the spending pressures of the war in Iraq, as well as homeland security -- coming at the same time as federal tax cuts -- was the reason for the strain.

Now, think about that. At a time of a very costly war, Bush continued to emphasize tax cuts. As a result he cut the funding for this project that's under the radar. Now, whether or not the war was a good idea is not the issue here. The issue is at the time of a costly war, Bush made the cowardly and irresponsible decision to cut federal revenues so he could help out his rich friends. And then, of course it wasn't any of the rich who suffered from this hurricane, but the poor who of course didn't benefit from these massive cuts.

Now, I'm not arguing that a well-funded SELA would have, by the time the hurricane hit, done a significant amount to reduce the damages the hurricanes caused. There's no way to know that. Nor was there any way for Bush to know that such a devastating hurricane was on it's way to Louisiana. But had Bush been a responsible president, he would have taken a look at the costs of the tax cuts he was proposing, and realized the importance of such programs as SELA and others, and made adjustments to his policies accordingly. I don't think, however, that the president is capable of such reflection.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Posted by the Bekka
Okay, no real story. I just thought that headline would be funny. C'mon - you tell me the back of your brain doesn't briefly register "Cindy Crawford" whenever Mrs. Sheehan's story comes on the news.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Friday Dog-Blogging
Posted by Raznor

Hermes loves love.

This is late, but I had a busy day. It ended with a math department picnic, and I brought Hermes along. It was the first time he's been around little kids, and when a pair of girls started tugging at his ears and grabbing his paws I started to get worried, ready to tighten his leash and pull back should he start growling. But he just soaked it up. Soon he was lying on his back as two little girls just gave him all the loving they had to give.

Hermes just loves affection - no matter in which form he receives it.

There were pictures taken. I'll try to secure one for next week's dog-blogging.

Fox News Destroys Lives
Posted by Raznor

This has been making the rounds, but it bears noting here:

In what Fox News officials concede was a mistake, John Loftus, a former U.S. prosecutor, gave out the address Aug. 7, saying it was the home of a Middle Eastern man, Iyad K. Hilal, who was the leader of a terrorist group with ties to those responsible for the July 7 bombings in London.
Hilal, whom Loftus identified by name during the broadcast, moved out of the house about three years ago. But the consequences were immediate for the Voricks.

Satellite photos of the house and directions to the residence were posted online. The Voricks told police, who arranged for the content to be taken down. Someone even removed the street sign where the Voricks live to provide some protection.

Still, it has not been easy.

A driver yelled a profanity at the family and called them terrorists as they barbecued on their patio Aug. 14. Some drivers have stopped and photographed the house, Randy Vorick said.

Last weekend, someone spray-painted "Terrist" on their home. Police, who have regularly patrolled their house since the day after the broadcast, now station a squad car across the street.

Randy, a restaurant manager, and Ronnell, a manager at a staffing agency, have been married 19 years and met as teenagers when they worked at a local McDonald's.

They grew up in La Habra and bought the house three years ago after Hilal moved out so they could be close to Ronnell Vorick's parents.

La Habra Police Capt. John Rees said the department was "giving special attention to the family to make sure they're safe," but declined to elaborate.

Yeah, but at least John Loftus is sufficiently sorry about it. No wait, no he isn't:

Loftus said he gave out the address to help local police, and insisted that Hilal, a Garden Grove grocery store owner, was a terrorist.

"I thought it might help police in that area now that we have positively identified a terrorist living in [Orange County]," he said.

Okay, everyone else already said that if you want to help the police you should maybe, you know, call the police or something. Instead of broadcasting your wrong information to millions. But read that first excerpt again, and notice something.

Loftus has not only endangered the lives of law abiding citizens through his careless actions, he has hampered the local police. There's now a squad car that's forced to devote it's time to protect this family because an asshole went on national TV and called them terrorists. So all Loftus has done is hurt an innocent family while making everyone else slightly less secure. Good for you.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Letter from Reader
Posted by Raznor

Reader John Notmadeup wrote this

Why do conservatives hate babies and puppies. I was a waiter at a recent Heritage Fund dinner and the main course was several babies and puppies, still alive so that the conservatives could feed on their flesh while they were still alive and screaming. Then a bunch of them shouted "HEIL HITLER!! HEIL BUSH!! SIEG HEIL!" while saluting a bastardized American flag with all the stars replaced my little Nazi Swastikas and then summoned demons from hell to do their bidding.

Disturbing, if true.

Update: Reader Rachel Totallyexists chimes in:

This just proves that conservatives are truly the most evil sorts of people on earth.

Heh, indeed.

Update 2: Several doubtless pinko conservative readers were offended by my implying that conservatives are Nazis and Satanists. I never said that. I merely published a letter that asserted that without comment. Stop your smear campaigns against me.

Blog like a Conservative Day
Posted by Raznor

I see that Jesse Taylor has once again proven that liberal blogging is far superior to conservative blogging. His litany of links no doubt proves it. But if that's not the final nail in the coffin - take a look at Political Strategy, Sadly, No or even Roxanne.

This clearly proves the superiority of liberal blogging over conservative blogging, as no doubt a quick run over of Moderate Left will certainly prove if the above links plus Thou Shalt Not Suck are not sufficient.

Take that conservatives. You're a dying breed. Just ask this guy.

(For an idea of what's going on here, read this)

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Posted by The Bekka
In yet more secondhand news, a local Jihadist was recently overheard to say, "I hate freedom, and everything it stands for."

Upon further investigation, it turned out the local Jihadist was not referring to the almighty American vision of "freedom," but rather to the fair city Freedom, Indiana, where a bus driver had short-changed him once.

Osama Bin Laden Converts to Scientology!
Rumored to be Tom Cruise's Hot New Squeeze

Posted by Ross

No more information at this time. Just wild speculation.