Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Friday, September 23, 2005


Robertson to start line of Christian-themed adult videos

Posted by Ross

Sick and tired of all the immoral, debased, socially destructive pornography saturating the marketplace, anti-smut crusador Pat Robertson has a plan that will once and for all put all those sleaze merchants out of business and restore righteous Christian values to the porn industry.

"How many times has this happened to you?" Robertson asked. "You've just spent the last eight hours ranting against the gays, the harlots and the activist judges. You finally find yourself alone with a bottle of hand lotion, so you flip on a video. Maybe it's the one with the lonely housewife who's got a leak under her sink. You know the rest: she calls the plummer and before you can recite the sixth commandment, well, you know... and the whole thing, it's a desecration to all that's good and holy!"

Which is why Robertson is introducing a new line of Christian-themed adult videos. "No longer will the consumer of adult material have his immortal soul tormented by a shoddily-produced video that glorifies carnal sin and hot adulterous action," Robertson said.

The new line of videos, called "Uncle Pat's Boner Jamboree", will be sold exclusively through ads on his Christian Broadcasting Network. "From 'Garden of Eden Gangbang' to 'Help Me Procreate, My Wife's a Pillar of Salt!' to 'Noah's Naughty Ark,' we've got enough titles to have you popping your rock until the third cumming!" Robertson proclaimed.

"Plus," he added with a wink and a grin as dollar signs appeared in each of his beady little eyes and the sound of a cash register dinging could be heard in the distance, "only by purchasing selected 'Uncle Pat's Boner Jamboree' titles can you be assured an eternity free of hellfire."

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