Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Talkin' TV
Posted by Ross

From Last Night's "Simpsons"

Mr. Burns and Smithers are leaving the mansion and Burns goes, "Remind me Smithers, while we're out I need to get my eyes re-balled and my brain flushed out with vinegar."

Smithers: Yes, Sir. Oh and your knees will be back from the shop tomorrow.

Burns: Excellent.

Homer had a funny come-on to Marge: Hey good lookin', wanna snuggle with Tyranasaurus sex?

We found out that Sherri and Terri go to twin camp every summer. Which sounds pretty creepy.

We find out Milhouse is Italian and has an Uncle Bastardo. And that his middle name is Mussolini. He's teaching Lisa Italian and tells her that he used to visit Italy every summer for two weeks and that his grandma would beat him if he spoke English. And after a flashback of Grandma Van Houten beating him, Milhouse says, "That's how I learned Italian... and started wetting the bed."

From (I think) Last Week's "Everybody Hates Chris"

The parents are going out on a date they can barely afford and leaving the kids with a baby sitter who's extremely irresponsible.

The dad tells Chris that if they have to come home early from the date he'll be in huge trouble and then hands him a for-emergency-only $10 bill and Chris Rock the narrator goes, "My father believed there was nuthin' $10 couldn't fix."

At the restaurant, there's a huge crowd already there, and Rock says, "Never go out on the day they give out welfare checks."

The baby sitter gets this phone call and then leaves all the kids alone and then comes back with her baby. And then she leaves again and the dad comes over and wants to take the baby. And Chris just gives him the baby even though the guy has no proof he's really the dad. And Rock says, "There ain't no black man pickin' up a baby that ain't his."

From Last Night's "The Boondocks"

It starts in this store where this bratty kid is throwing a tantrum because he wants candy. And his hysterical suburban mother doesn't know what to do and so Granddad muses, "Did you ever try beatin' his ass?" Which, of course, she hasn't. But she sure likes it. You can show practically anything on a cartoon!

Then a ho moves in with Granddad and starts leeching off his money, but Granddad's too much of a dumbass to notice. In the comic right after Katrina, Granddad is freaking out because there's like a 60% chance of rain and so he's trying to evacuate the house, telling the kids, didn't you hear what Kanye West said, Bush hates black people! There was this other time around the SARS outbreak when Granddad has a little cough or something and he's completely freaked out, screaming, "Get the Tussin, boy, I got the SARS!"

One of the funniest parts of the episode is when the boys are trying to convince Granddad the busty young white woman he's dating is really a ho, asking three questions: does she ever duck under a table when a man in a purple suit walks by? And can she run really, really fast in high heels? Yes and yes. The third question, does she ever ask if he's a cop, is answered when she walks into the kitchen and says to Granddad, "You gotta tell me you're a cop or it's entrapment."

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