A RAZNOR'S RANTS EXCLUSIVE:

Ross' minute-by-minute diary, as he watches one of his own HORRIBLE CREATIONS:

WILD THINGS 3: ROUGH DIAMONDS

Posted by Ross

It's time. I am about to undertake the loathsome task of actually having to consume the crap I help make.

Hell, Ain't it cool news got to trash it, and they didn't even get a writing credit...

Alright, here I am, got my Trader Joe's microwave turkey meatballs and some cold chocolate soy milk. Let's rock-n-roll.

Not much subtlety...

That ankle bracelet looks stupid.

It's so sleazy.

Kick me in the nuts and call me a hack if you must, but I tried to write a good movie.

There's the Cubans again. We wanted to make 'em Japanese business men because Andy had a joke where Mr. Nakatomi yells at his side-kick Mr. Cato "Not now Cato!" like in the Pink Panther movies. Anyway, we couldn't have Japanese as villains because representatives of the studio, Sony, didn't want to offend the corporate mothership. So we went back with Cubans, because there was a red herring bad guy in "Wild Things 2" named Cicatriz who was Cuban mafia. It's like we have a vendetta against them. I mean, why didn't anybody think that making Cuban mafiosos the bad guy twice might suggest a slight bias against the good people at the Cuban mafia. And they are good people, I love them, one and all.

It's so sleazy!

This pool, ugh! Must fast-forward. They're making that poor girl act while her tits are showing through her wet T-shirt. Jesus masturbating Christ, if you're gonna make porn, MAKE PORN.

Yeah! Detective Morrison, finally. I asked the writer's guild if we could get a character royalty for Detective Morrison, ably played by Lindon Ashby, with his movie-star good looks and B-list resume (hey buddy, we've all been/are still there). Anyway, we thought because there was character carryover from the second to the third, that we'd cleverly secured ourself some extra compensation. As it turns out, since Wild Things 2 was not an original piece of work, but an adaptation (as are all sequels, which is why Richard Linklater got nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for Before Sunset), and so no character royalty payments.

Thank God for Morrison, because the way things are going, his scenes might be the only ones I won't have to fast forward through.

Here in the police station, it actually looks like a real movie, or at least a real TV show like CSI or something.

I HATE THAT. Among all the other generic, warmed-over, done-to-death mechanisms in this story, we had to rehash the rape plot.

We did come up with other ideas, but the only way we could get the job was to write a detailed treatment. And, at some point, you just want the job, and if the only "idea" they're agreeing to is to rehash the rape plot, man, at some point, it just ain't my film.

She's a minor. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to face the man she's accusing.

This is irritating, because I consulted my mom, an attorney, on all the legal parts of this film, and there was a point when my mom approved the legal stuff in the screenplay. That was before the all-knowing execs got involved.

The court scene is so unrealistic. GOD! OH I HATE THIS! Must fast forward.

Feeling very disconnected to the material.

Am turning off TV. Will I ever watch this movie again?

Sorry, America.

But you know what, I'm still framing the fucking poster and hanging it on my wall, because, know what? I got my name on a movie poster and you don't.