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Wednesday, June 07, 2006

NSA Wiretap Uncovers Hollywood Terrorist Plot

Posted by Ross

In a turn of events the Bush administration is touting as a feather in the cap for the beleaguered National Security Agency and its domestic spying program, an intercepted e-mail featuring a long-planned terrorist plot has been uncovered.

The details of the plot, code named “Northern Jihad,” involve multiple assassinations of public figures as well as a coordinated biological and nuclear assault on US soil.

The e-mail, sent by a man identified as Rupert E. Grimsley of Los Angeles, first alarmed officials when they read its subject line: “THIS ONE’S GOING OUT WITH A BANG, BABY!!!”

“Standard protocol indicates we thoroughly examine the contents of any e-mail whose subject line has been written in all caps,” said national security advisor Stephen Hadley. “More alarming was the fact that there were not one, not two, but THREE exclamation points, to say nothing of the unspecified explosive nature of the e-mail’s contents, as promised in the text.”

Grimsley, a struggling screenwriter with a few B-movie to his credit, including “Vampire Mollusks” and “Killer Brain People,” was apprehended by federal officials in a midnight raid of his Silverlake studio apartment.

Horacio Escobar, Grimsley’s attorney, insists the whole thing is a misunderstanding. “The subject line of the e-mail was indeed referencing a terrorist plot… in a screenplay… written by my client… the title of which is “Northen Jihad,” Escobar told reporters at a press conference held earlier today.

Escobar then read from a written statement given to him by Grimsley before he was transported to an undisclosed detention center in one of those Eastern European countries that don’t have such nit-picky laws about torture and stuff:

“It’s not even that ‘Northern Jihad’ needs to be its own film. It could just as easily be the premise for the next season of ‘24.’ Think about it, Jack Bauer is working the northern border patrol to clear his mind or something. Or if they already have the story for next season, this could be for the season after. I mean, they’ll definitely pick it up for another season as long as this next one doesn’t all of a sudden start to suck.”

Escobar concluded the conference by stating, “The script is really quite good.”

“It was not a good script, not even close,” Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said. “The climactic sequence involves a mid-air knife fight on hang gliders, for crying out loud. Ignoring the fact that this sequence breaks each and every physical law known to science, the whole thing unfolds with an entire battalion of soldiers just looking up and watching it happen. I kept thinking, why doesn’t somebody just shoot the bad guy? Hell, shoot the good guy too and spare me the misery of reading another excruciating page of this garbage.”

“Right before the hang gliding scene,” Escobar said, “the hero, Max Rocker, tells the soldiers to, quote, ‘Stand down, that’s an order! This is personal.’ And my client simply thought adding the hang gliding angle would make the scene more exciting.”

Grimsley, who, after interrogation will be transferred to a Gitmo dog cage to await his day in court, is also seeking an agent or manager. Just someone who believes in him, ya know?


Blogger dazmanu said...

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6/30/2006 3:38 AM  

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