Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Thursday, July 21, 2005


Rally Monkey Has to Be Put Down

Posted by Ross


The Rally Monkey, may he rest in peace Posted by Picasa

The Rally Monkey, beloved mascot of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who helped cheer on a World Champion and warm the hearts of a nation, is dead.

In the break before the Angels came to bat in the bottom of the third inning against the Yankees tonight in Anaheim, the Rally Monkey, as usual, was released from his cage so he could dance the “Macarena” on top of the visitors’ dugout to the delight of the assembled fans.

Tonight, however, the Rally Monkey, still stinging from the news that his brother the Rhesus Monkey, had been the cause of a deadly outbreak that only through the combined star power of Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo and Cuba Gooding Jr., could ultimately be contained.

As the music began to play, the Rally Monkey, instead of doing his cute little dance, began to masturbate before the crowd of slack-jawed Orange County Republicans. Angered and scandalized, the fans began to boo the Rally Monkey, who responded by screeching and flinging his own feces into the stands before animal trainers had to shoot a dart loaded with sedative into the Rally Monkey’s neck.

He was then taken off the field and euthanized.

“It was the most outrageous and disgusting act,” Roger Grulahan, a Newport Beach accountant wearing a ‘Suck it, Osama’ t-shirt, said. “Imagine, one of God's own creations engaging in such depravity, such immorality. What of the children? Won’t anyone think of the children?!?”

Grulahan then climbed into his Cadillac Escalade and drove to Wal-Mart.

Addressing assembled media, Angels owner Arte Moreno reassured fans that a new “much, much better” mascot was on the way.

He then pulled on a gaudy gold-painted cord, releasing a curtain and revealing the Rally Panda, an endangered giant panda from China, whose fur had been dyed Angels red and blue.

“If the Angels don’t win,” Moreno told reporters, “the Rally Panda will die of sadness. In actual fact,” he added, taking a look at the forlorn beast, “he might die anyway.”

Moreno went on to add that reports of the Angels next mascot, the Rally African Elephant, were greatly exaggerated.

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