Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Posted by the bekka

Baghdad (from Associated Press)

Officials from the Iraqui Census Bureau announced this morning at a press conference that, as a result of the attacks by both insurgents and foreign troops, there is now no longer anyone left to kill in their humbled country.

"It's an unfortunate eventuality," said Census Bureau Chief Akbar Ibn Yusuf, "but an unarmed civilian population can only last so long in the crossfire of the kind of conflict we've been experiencing. I mean, listen to the news, people! Sure, 20 or 50 or even 100 casualties sounds like nothing, but over time it really adds up. On a personal note, I had to cancel my weekly canasta game," Ibn Yusuf added.

In an unprecedented gesture of goodwill, Barak Hasim, the only surviving insurgent in Iraq, raised a white flag of surrender at a media conference today. "I just woke up at the training camp this morning and there was no one around when I went to get breakfast. I realized that all my comrades had martyred themselves. I was scheduled to martyr myself today, but it all just seemed so futile all of a sudden, you know?"

"We've been anticipating this for some time now," added U.S. Army Field Sgt. Derek Hume, who is now serving his fifth tour of duty in Iraq. "After a while, you just run out of people to blow up, you know? It's kind of a relief for us, though. There's been talk that they'll let us go home now, though I'm sure they'll find something else for us to do here. God, I love serving my country!"


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