Raznor's Rants

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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Breaking News: Bush Appoints the Dread Lord Cthuhlu as New Attorney General

Count on Raznor's Rants to bring you breaking news as it happens:



WASHINGTON(Reuters)-Shortly after the resignation of John Ashcroft from the office of Attorney General, newly reelected President George W. Bush has appointed the Lord Cthuhlu to replace him.

"I still remember the objectives John [Ashcroft] added to his resume," Vice President Dick Cheney said in a soon to be televised interview with Dan Rather. "They were simple: to burn the Bill of Rights and destroy the lives of countless Americans. I remember thinking, 'wow, this guy is evil.' But now that he's gone, I thought it was time to take things to the next step. When I saw Cthuhlu's objectives I was floored. I mean, don't get me wrong, John's evil, but he's not eat-the-world evil. I believe the new Attorney General will be able to take this whole evil thing to a whole new level."

Cthuhlu was unavailable for comment, as he was busy with his new responsibilities which include, according to a recent press release, revising the PATRIOT act, reviewing lists of wanted terrorists and other criminals, and reawakening the Pantheon of Elder Gods that they may lay their seeds of destruction across the entire planet and all who live upon it.

Cthuhlu was appointed overwhelmingly in both houses of Congress. After the vote, Senate Democrats proceeded to bend over so that Republicans could stuff various alien objects in their asses. This was in accordance with protocol passed unanimously shortly after the attacks of September 11, 2001 while the Democratic standard practice was letting Bush get away with whatever the fuck he wants.

As predicted by beltway pundits, the appointment of the Cthuhlu did not effect the President's popularity among his base. When asked for comment, Pat Robertson, who was at the time enduring tortuous pain at the hands of the Elder Gods, said, "I am pleased that we have a morally righteous administration in the White House." Robertson was then swallowed alive by the dread Cthuhlu, where he is expected to remain alive for a week while undergoing what can only be described as unimaginable pain.

Ohio resident Kris Grabbel, who voted for Bush in last week's election, defended his choice when asked, stating, "Hey, there's no reason to fear terrorism anymore."

He then added, "ARGH, THE UNSPEAKABLE PAIN!!!!"

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