Raznor's Rants

Costarring Raznor's reality-based friends!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

File Under "Blatant Abuse of Mother Nature"
Posted by the Bekka

Hello everyone.
Welcome to another installment of the latest liberties M&A (that's marketing and advertising, I don't know what the hell you were thinking of) have taken with dear old mother nature. Many of you (or possibly none of you, if anyone is in fact reading this at all) will undoubtedly recall with no small amount of pleasure my unforgettable post of 7/9/05, "NOW INTRODUCING: NEW & IMPROVED NATURE." Well, file these on in with the weird and the wacky, coz here we go:

Number one: The LifeGem (tm).
This ingenious company will happily make you a laboratory (read: fake) diamond out of a lock of your loved one's hair. Why say goodbye when you can wear the crystallized carbon remnants of your beloved, living or dead, in a tasteful 1 carat princess setting forever?

Number two: The Message Plant (tm).
Did you ever grow a bean plant in your 3rd grade science class? Then the basic mechanics of The Message Plant should be familiar to you: a bean, pre-planted in a soda-like can and watered, sprouts out of the drinkin' hole. However, it is the more wondrous and unexpected mechanism of this product that makes consumers weep and beg for more: a message, of your choice, printed on one of the cotyledons (a term you'll also remember from 3rd grade science class...if not, it's the little halves of the bean that the growing plant feeds on...feeds, yes...feeds...). Suddenly, I feel a great disturbance in the force.

Number three: The Message Egg (tm).
Okay, I admit, this is a bit of a stretch. I ran across it when googling for The Message Plant, and I figured, "Hey, a list with three things in it looks way more impressive than a list with only two things in it." So I added it. Pretty much the same thing as The Message Plant (see: Number two) {heh heh...I said number two} (oh yeah, huh huh...me too) except the sprout comes out of a little egg. You see, it's more for that special egg-lover in your life than the average, ordinary, downright boring bean plant enthusiast.

Regardless, all this manipulatin' an' makin' jewelries from dead peoples and writin' on lima beans an' whatnot, well, to be honest it gives me the hibblety-jibbleties. And we're worried about bio-terrorism? Frankly, I'm more worried about bio-tainment.


Blogger Ross said...

the bekka is a genius for all times!

8/18/2006 7:11 PM  

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